


Don't Go

by Clueingforlooks221B



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 16:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5750497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clueingforlooks221B/pseuds/Clueingforlooks221B
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His words run into each other and are slurred. He is wasted. I let loose a tight lipped smile, I hate it when my tiger poisons his body. </p><p>"But my boss on the other hand, is a complete bastard." </p><p>Then I still. The words run through my brain, and I take the time to examine them. Make sure that I heard him correctly. My blood freezes, and I realize that I'm holding my breath. I slowly exhale, worrying that if I do it too quickly it will be loud and Sebastian will hear. But I know how ridiculous that thought is, given how loud the pub is.</p><p>A series of laughs fill up his table. </p><p>"No I mean it, he's an absolute prick." </p><p>I frown, well that's not very nice. </p><p>"Aren't they all?" One of them calls out. </p><p>There's more laughter, but I know that Sebastian isn't laughing. </p><p>"The worst part is that he's my flat mate." </p><p>(After getting mad at Jim, Sebastian goes out drinking and says a few things that Jim overhears.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Bitter coldness wraps me in a crushing hug, leaving a burning sensation in its trace. London is drenched in moonlight, causing the streets to drip with shadows. I exhale, and watch the smoke curl up into the star scattered sky. 

Sebastian has been gone all day. I walk slowly, my hands resting in my suit pockets. I already know where he is, at the pub drinking away his sorrows. Pissed that I made him stay out on a freezing cold roof top for the majority of last night and into today. I don't know why he was so shocked about it. It's not the first time I've made him do this. It's apart of his work. Shame really, I expected him to know this.

Although, I guess it was longer than usual. He was up there for nineteen hours, instead of his usual three or four. So the target was a little late, it wasn't my fault. 

I wasn't expecting this to be a stakeout. 

Besides that point I know how this is going to turn out, how it always does. He's going to be pissed drunk. I'm going to drag him home. He's going to walk silently to bed, and in the morning we are going to forget this ever happened. 

Most of the time I let him have his space. Let him stumble his way home. 

But when I woke up, after shockingly falling asleep last night, he wasn't there. I thought for sure it would at least be six hours minimum. I couldn't help but feel a little uneasy, not that I'd ever admit that to him. My sniper can't die, he is my best one. Besides, he's my first live in one. It'd be too much of an inconvenience for him to die. 

So I guess I owe it to him to come get him. I don't often make the journey out; I don't often go outside in general. But this is one of the times I feel like I should. 

Heat slowly slips back into my limbs as I enter the small pub. I scan the room, looking for a certain blonde haired idiot. 

I can feel my blood boiling, tearing down my veins and throbbing in my chest. Sebastian is sitting at a table near the back corner, surrounding by several men. I squint, trying to make out who they are. I can't tell from this distance. 

Who the hell are those guys? 

I stalk in the direction of Sebastian's table. None of them even spare me a glance. From closer up, I can tell the man in the corner chair is Bruce. One of his hunting pals. I quickly scan the rest of the men's faces, they're all his hunting friends from years ago. 

Why does he feel the need to keep in contact with them? What's so special about them? 

Sneering, I slip into an empty seat right behind Sebastian's chair. It's a high table, with an empty chair across from me. Sebastian's table is longer and shorter, and his chair is lower than mine. But since he's taller, he's pretty much directly behind me so I can hear him. 

His words run into each other and are slurred. He is wasted. I let loose a tight lipped smile, I hate it when my tiger poisons his body. 

"But my boss on the other hand, is a complete bastard." 

Then I still. The words run through my brain, and I take the time to examine them. Make sure that I heard him correctly. My blood freezes, and I realize that I'm holding my breath. I slowly exhale, worrying that if I do it too quickly it will be loud and Sebastian will hear. But I know how ridiculous that thought is, given how loud the pub is.

A series of laughs fill up his table. 

"No I mean it, he's an absolute prick." 

I frown, well that's not very nice. 

"Aren't they all?" One of them calls out. 

There's more laughter, but I know that Sebastian isn't laughing. 

"The worst part is that he's my flat mate." 

A new man speaks up, "Damn." Another man lets out a low whistle. 

Then the man from before speaks up again, snickering, "I bet you can get some good work benefits from living with him. Maybe a raise, eh?"

The group howls with laughter. Fury thrums in my veins, and I can hear my heartbeat echoing in my ears. All my blood plummets and throbs in my hands, and I curl my hands into fists. 

"My boss is a man." 

A new guy speaks up, "Like that's ever stopped you." 

I want to punch them all. Watch the blood spill out of their noses and spill on their lips. Force them to taste it, for their sensations to be buried in their own blood. A smile rips across my face. 

"No," 

I hear his glass slam down on the table. I'm shocked the glass didn't shatter from the sheer force of it. 

"He's way too loud."

The table erupts in a series of snickers. 

"In what way?" A man pipes up, earning more snickers. 

My nose twitches upwards and my lips break into a scowl. How does Sebastian hang out with these guys? 

But Sebastian ignores them, "He's always blasting his horrible music. Classical shit or weird rock music. But it doesn't stop at the music, the TV too. Fucking action movies with explosions at midnight, and I know he doesn't have a hearing problem. Then he bangs around in the kitchen late at night, making himself food because of his inconsistency of eating. And then, like the noise isn't bad enough, he keeps all the lights on, giving me headaches and keeping me up."

He pauses, and I hear his glass being slammed down again after a couple seconds. He must have gulped a lot down, given how long he had his glass up for. 

"He also keeps me awake by making me get shit for him. He'll make me go to the grocery store at three in the morning because he wants ice cream. He somehow never sleeps, sometimes he will barge into my room and shove his way into my bed because he had a nightmare. A child! Draggin me around to random ass places. He makes me do everything for him like I'm some stupid housekeeper, that's not my job." 

More silence follows, and this time another man speaks up, "He's got you trapped, like a wife to her husband. If I were you I'd leave now while you can, I wouldn't take that shit from him. " 

Sebastian leaving? The thought makes the color drain from my face. My palms begin to sweat. No Sebastian wouldn't leave me, would he? I mean sure I do some annoying things, but enough to drive him away? Then again from the way he's talking... 

"Besides," the man continues, "he's definitely not worth it if you can't even fuck the guy. I mean at least fucking him could be a good benefit. But by the way you're explaining this guy he sounds crazy. There's the good kind of wild in bed, but he just sounds chaotic. Not worth it." 

My throat begins to dry up, and I feel like I can't swallow. I finally swallow, and almost choke. I don't want to hear Sebastian's reply. I can already feel the dread of staying here seeping into my skin. 

"I don't even know who he is," 

That one stung. What does that mean?

"He's three different people. A physo, a businessman, and then just Jim. I don't even know if he realizes it, or if this is just some creepy acting thing." 

I can't breath. What does he mean? I'm always Jim. 

"It sounds like he has a personality disorder. Or bipolar disease or something." A man pipes in. 

Then another man lets out a bellowed laugh, "He just sounds like a freak to me."

I wait to see if Sebastian sticks up for me, or says anything else, but he doesn't. The longer the silence from him goes on, the longer it hurts. 

"It's an easy solution really, just leave him." A new man speaks up, and he sounds much older than the rest. I want to whip around and smack him. 

"I can't." Sebastian answers. 

A smile curls at the edges of my mouth, and my pulse begins to settle. Sebastian doesn't hate me, good. He's not going to leave me. He's just a little mad, that's all. He wouldn't be able to stand leaving me. 

"But I would like to. But if I leave he would kill me."

I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. Air rushes out of me, but doesn't come back in. My heart begins to pound against my chest, as if wanting to escape my body. I don't blame it. I feel sick and want to puke everything inside of me out. Just keep puking until I can't anymore. I can't do this. 

I abruptly stand up, no longer caring if any of them notice me. Black dots dance across my eyes, and my ears begin to ring. I can still hear the faint buzz of the pub. But the warm air is suffocating me, I need to get out. My pulse slows down and I quickly walk towards the exit. I can barely make out my surroundings. 

Soon I'm met with a door, and I lean my body up against it and push. Cool air smacks me in the face, and I begin gulping for air. The air burns going down my throat, but feels good circling in my lungs. 

I sink down along the brick wall, tracing my movements with my palm to the cold pavement below me. I wrap my mess of limbs around myself, and cradle my head on my knees. I hug myself and close my eyes, waiting for the horrible feeling to fade. 

Soon my vision clears, but the disgusting pit in my stomach has yet to leave. Slowly I stand up and begin the walk home. 

I rip off my jacket, embracing the coldness back. My arms hurt more now from the exposure, and I feel as though someone is smacking them repeatedly. But I find that this time I enjoy the feeling, it helps distract me from the feeling in my chest.

Besides, about half way home my arms go numb.


	2. Chapter 2

I sit on the living room sofa, staring blankly ahead. My arms hurt. They are bright red, and when I try to move them they sting. Sebastian's words circle in my head, and no matter what I do I can't get them out. I hate it. 

I try to think about nothing, but the remains of his words echo in my brain. 

Soon my eyes begin to water from staring too intently and I blink. Then blink again. Soon my shock is replaced with fury. Blood bubbles down my veins, filling in my wrists and exploding in my hands. 

I clench my fists and my chest is ripping apart. Sebastian's words are growing louder and louder. 

"Prick." 

"Freak." 

"Disgusting." 

I grab the vase on the table beside me. My hand is still red from earlier and screams in protest at the action, but ignore it. Instead I grip the vase tighter, so hard that I can feel it biting into my skin. I snap my arm backwards, and throw the vase at the wall. The vase connects roughly with the wall and makes a satisfying shattering sound. 

I love the sound of breaking glass. 

I throw a small plate next that was on the living room table. Glass rains down from the wall, and sprinkles itself across the wooden floor.

I begin to laugh. Sebastian hates it when I throw glass. But then again, Sebastian isn't here. And apparently he hates everything I do. 

My veins begin to pulse and I jump up from the couch. Hands shaking, I grab more glass items and whirl them at the wall. Frames, cups, dishes; all while tossing my head back and laughing. My vision grows hazy and all I can hear is the sound of glass breaking. I love it. It keeps my thoughts at bay. 

Soon I run out of stuff to throw, and run to the kitchen. After digging through the drawers I locate a pair of scissors. I race down the hall, throwing open the door to Sebastian's room. I smirk and slowly walk to his closet. 

Sebastian hates it when I throw glass. He hates it when I cut his shirts. He hates it when I destroy his things.

I get closer to his closet. 

Well now I'm repaying the price. 

I throw open the door, so hard that the handle bangs against the wall. I begin to pick through his few shirts, looking for his favorite one. His lounging shirt. The one he always wears around the house. 

He broke my mind. 

A green shirt. Worn in, and decorated with food stains. Absolutely gross, I hate the thing. I always tried to get him to get rid of it, but he told me it was his favorite. One of his few best items. Although I don't see what's so great about an old shirt. Then I see a glimpse of green in the back of the closet. I tear through the rest of his shirts to get to it. 

He broke my heart. 

I rip the shirt off the hanger, and it's shockingly soft. But no doubt littered with germs, I'll need to wash my hands after this. I straighten out his shirt, lifting it in front of me. I smile, slowly opening the scissors and bringing them to his shirt. 

So now I'm going to destroy one of his favorite things, his shirt. 

Doesn't seem like a big deal, but I know this is really going to make him mad. That's what I want more than anything right now, for him to feel the way I do. To get really mad. Not just pissed, furious. 

But before I make the cut, his scent bangs into my nose, sending a wave of comfort with it. His scent is soaked on this shirt. The smell of cigarettes, cheap shampoo, beer, and nice cologne that I bought him for Christmas. 

The scissors fall the floor. My hand grows limp and falls to my side. 

Slowly I hang his shirt back up and bend over, picking up the pair if scissors. 

I can't do it. I can always do it, but for some odd reason this time I can't. 

"Not even worth a good fuck."

My blood runs cold, and I softly shut the door to Sebastian's room. 

"Physo." 

My heart beats begins to pick up. I trudge back to the kitchen. Slowly I slip the scissors back into the drawer, and close the drawer lightly. 

I sit back on the couch, surveying the damage. Glass shards litter the floor. They remind me of the stars in the sky. They're tiny and there's billions of them. 

Soon Sebastian's words come crashing back. 

"I'm not his housekeeper." 

I freeze and dread fills inside of me.

"I want to, but he would kill me."

Sebastian wants to leave me. 

The glass begins to mock me. 

Sebastian hates it when I don't clean after myself. Sebastian hates my tantrums.

Sebastian is going to leave me. 

Am I worse than death? 

My nose and the back of my eyes begin to burn. I stand and try to avoid stepping on glass. Soon I kneel in front of the glass. I begin to pick up the pieces, starting with the largest ones. 

He's going to leave me. 

The palms of my hands and fingers are being scratched by the glass, but it all feels numb to me. 

He's not going to stay. He can't take it anymore. 

Red spots appear all over my hand. 

He can't handle me anymore. He hates me. 

Blood slowly begins to ooze from the spots, but I continue to pick up the shards of glass. 

I have to change, or else he will definitely leave. 

I look down at my hands, which are now crimson. 

And he can't leave, because that would destroy me. The mere thought is already eating away at my brain. 

I stare blankly at the vast amount of glass in front of me. 

I have to change.


	3. Chapter 3

I ordered a pair of earphones online. Fifty dollars. 

I considered stealing Sebastian's, but that probably wouldn't help matters.

When they first came out I got a pair, only to cut them and burn them several hours after use. The plastic dug uncomfortably into my ear, and each time I moved they would scrape against the inside of my ears. Then there's the cord. It always tangles and gets into knots no matter how many times I straighten it. The only thing they served to do was give me a headache. 

Besides, the music is much louder when played out loud. 

I don't understand the point anyways, once the volume hits the halfway point people can hear what you're listening to. 

Yet I found myself getting them another time, for a disguise. Afterwards I threw them in a nearby garbage can. 

Now I have a third pair. 

I start wearing the overpriced plastic around the house. The minute I put them in I feel the echoes of pain. Third times a charm is bull shit.

I immediately miss blasting music through my speakers. Feeling it thrumming through my veins, and my heart pulsing with it. The music being inside of me, apart of me. 

Now I'm stuck with it in my ears, and am beginning to already get ear aches. The music bites through me and I wonder if silence would be better. 

Silence is the worst though, and right now I desperately need a distraction. 

\-----------

I set food schedules too. That's the hardest part. How do people eat everyday at the same time? I'm not hungry, but it's noon, so I make myself a sandwich. 

I throw two pieces of bread down on the counter, then turn around and walk over to the fridge. The next song on my playlist, Beethoven symphony five, begins to blast through my earphones. The music sizzles through and screeches. I grab mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, and turkey; balancing them all in my hands.

I drop them all on the counter and snap the top off of the mustard. I squeeze it on my sandwich, and turn to the kitchen drawer looking for a knife. 

Sebastian is standing behind the counter, and my heart jumps. I almost jump with it. 

He came home sometime late last night, loudly tumbling in. I was in my room laying in bed, but was wide awake. Eventually I got up and started on work, trying to distract my mind. I heard the door slam shut to his room, and had sighed out in relief. I know he wouldn't have came into my room, but still. 

I hadn't wanted him to see me like that. A mess. Hands bloody, eyes red. He'd know I didn't sleep, and just think I was overworking myself like he always does. 

"You're making lunch?" His voice snaps me out of my mind. It's loud and painted in disbelief. 

"Yeah." I shrug, trying to be causal. I realize my music is no longer playing because the song has ended. 

I take my phone out of my music and begin to scroll through my music. I don't even want to listen to music anymore, but regardless I feign it. 

"But it's noon." 

"So? I'm hungry and it's lunch time. Can I not make a sandwich?" I'm not even in the least bit hungry. I feel a bit sick now, actually. 

"I guess. It's that you usually-" 

I glare, successfully cutting him off. 

\--------------

Lowering the volume on the television is next, and this kills me. 

Actions movies aren't the same when they aren't blasted. The entire mood is ruined. 

Sebastian glances over at me curiously as he walks over to the kitchen. Blue eyes rake over me, the remote directly beside me, and then the television. 

I made sure to keep the remote directly beside me so that he doesn't think that I am too lazy to turn the volume up. 

Without looking at him, I pick up the remote and turn the volume down one. The volume is at ten now. Cars are exploding, but all I hear are whispers. People scream, but it sounds like whimpers. I haven't even bothered to listen to the movie, honestly I don't even know what movie it is.

I look back up and he is gone. Disappointment sinks in my chest and sits down, making itself comfortable. 

Whatever. 

Baby steps right?


	4. Chapter 4

Dreams of my past used to haunt me, but now dreams of the future do. 

I lay awake for the third night in a row, each time I have shut my eyes flickers of what is going to happen flood my eyelids. Images of Sebastian leaving, laughing at my helplessness. Or Sebastian leaving and having to feign disinterest. 

Or Sebastian killing himself, saying he'd rather be dead than be with me. 

The later has made the most appearances. 

I never did like sleeping, but now going to bed scares me. Me, scared. I am supposed to be the one to make people quake in fear. Just saying my name should do the trick. 

But just the thought of going to bed makes my heart tickle my chest. My chest wants my heart to stop, but my heart has always ruthless. She rakes her long fingers down my chest, into my stomach, and down my spine. My body rattles and I throw my covers off, sweat gathering at my temples and falling down my face drop by drop. Like blood dripping down a hanging corpse. 

I stand up, only to sit on the edge of my bed. I'm so hot yet I'm shaking. Fury bubbles in me at my weakness, but it's faint compared to the fear. 

So what if Sebastian will never love me? So what if he is going to leave? I don't need him, I don't need anyone. 

Something wrecks through me, pulling my shoulders down and making my head drop from the force of it. Sadness doesn't sound right to explain what I'm feeling.

My heart hurts now, I think her claws have turned back onto herself. 

I shake my head, gripping my senses. I am wasting time, I could work right now. I scoot over and rest myself against my pillow. Reaching over, I unhook my laptop from its charger and rest it on my lap. I wipe the sweat from my forehead with the back of my arm, and power my laptop on. Once it's on I glance at the time in the corner. It's 2:17am. I'll go to bed in an hour... 

Or two. 

\---------

I jolt awake, sweat pouring down my face and my heart pounding against my ribs. My laptop has fallen off my lap, luckily on the other side of my bed and not onto the floor. 

I am violently shaking and hug myself for awhile. I breath harshly, each time I blink images from my nightmare come crashing in. I wipe my eyes furiously and grab my laptop. I squint at the harsh light and quickly turn my brightness down. 3:43am. I groan and throw my head back. 

Exhaustion sprawls out on my chest and I hate the feeling. I just want to sleep. I have never wanted to sleep so badly in my life. 

I sit up again and kneel into myself. What am I going to do? My heart races along with my breath, and I struggle to stay in control of myself. I can't get up or else I will wake Sebastian. And if I wake Sebastian, he will leave. 

I could watch something on my laptop. My ears ache in protest. There is no way I am putting earphones in. I could watch it on low volume, but what movies are even out? 

My eyes hang and frustration floods me. I just want to sleep. 

Before I know what I'm doing I'm up, quickly heading out my bedroom door. I need sleep. 

I need him. 

My footsteps echo down the hall and make the old floor boards creek against my weight. When I am outside his door, reality crashes in. Can I really go in there? I mean, of course I can, but should I? 

I shift my weight from foot to foot outside his bedroom door, wincing at the noise it creates. Everything is so much louder at night. I pace outside his door, trying to clear my hazy mind. What happens if I do this? 

I start to sink down to the ground, but catch myself. I throw my hands in my hair and rustle it. I can't do this. Barging in because of nightmares was one of the issues. If I do this it will ruin everything I have been doing so far. If I do this then what would have been the purpose of all the headaches? Or the emptiness inside? My stomach rumbles and I regret skipping dinner at 6pm, but I wasn't hungry then. 

But my next stomach rumble breaks the fogginess in my brain. Nope I can't do this, or else the pain will not have been worth it. 

I pause in my pacing. No, I am not going to do this. 

"Jim?" His hoarse voice croaks from inside his room. 

I jump, and quickly walk away. My heart tears at my chest, screaming at me to go back to him. But my brain is faster, fueling me with fear and tugging my limbs to walk faster. 

Too bad he is the only thing that helps me sleep at night.


	5. Chapter 5

At eight I make myself breakfast, deeming it a reasonable time. I take advantage of my hunger by making a large breakfast. 

By the time I am finished cooking forty minutes has gone by. I set my plate on the table and walk back to the fridge to get orange juice. The silence was unbearable, so I opened up a window to let in fresh air and noise. Right now the birds are chattering away, and I envy their lives. Being a bird would be so simple. 

I set down a glass and begin to pour the orange juice. As I'm pouring I hear heavy footsteps, with each step growing louder and louder. I cringe and my heart rate picks up. I really had hoped that I would beat him like I had every other morning so far. Then again, my breakfast is not normally so large. 

As I hear him enter the kitchen I turn my back, heading towards the fridge. I walk back to my glass of orange juice and glance at him out of the corner of my eye. He is yawning, pouring himself a mug of coffee. 

At times like this I wish I drank coffee. 

I walk to the table where my plate is and rest my cup down. I begin to eat, hurriedly shoving my fork into the scrambled eggs before he comes in. I know that there's no way I'll finish before he comes in, but at least I can get some of it gone. Dread fills me. Hopefully he forgot about last night, or just won't bring it up. 

He walks out and I drop my fork. I reach for my orange juice and talk a small sip. 

In his hands are a bundled up newspaper. He pulls it open and scans the headlines. "Morning." He mumbles and it surprises me. I quickly swallow, which almost causes me to choke. I clear my throat and my eyes water slightly. "Morning." I mirror back. 

He sets the paper down and stares at me. I meet his eyes dead on, after all I am not one to back down. 

"Jobs for today?" He asks and I pick up my fork, poking at my eggs. "Nope." I state, and I can feel the air get thick. I look up and he is glancing at me, puzzled. 

"That's the third day in a row that I haven't had a job." I shrug, setting my fork down, "Well there's not always people to kill." 

He lets out a sharp laugh, and no traces of humor linger. "Yes there is. Well, with you there always is." 

I am not sure what to say, so I obligate for shrugging again and pick up my orange juice. I take a gulp and his eyes darken in a dangerous way. 

"What's wrong with you?" It's not a question, but more of a demand.

"Hmmm?" I hum and twirl my fork in my fruit bowl. 

He grits his teeth together, and shakes his head, "It's too damn early for this." He takes a large gulp of his coffee. As he does this I steady myself and put my walls up, knowing that he isn't going to let this go so easily. He puts his cup down and stares intimately at me. 

I break eye contact, stabbing my fork into a piece of cantaloupe and taking a bite. 

"Why didn't you come into my room last night?" 

This time I choke. Inwardly I curse myself. Once I swallow he is holding out my orange juice to me. I glare at him and grab it roughly, and take a sip. Across his lips is a faint trail of amusement. 

I open my mouth but he interrupts, "Don't bother saying that you weren't there because I know that you were." 

Slowly I set my orange juice glass down. "I was just going to the bathroom." 

He sighs heavily. "I could hear you pacing across the floorboards." 

I want to die. I close off my expression, but inwardly I am slightly panicking. 

I chose not to reply. 

He sighs again. "Seriously boss what's wrong?" 

Like you care, I want to shoot back but I know that will do nothing but make everything worse. 

So I ignore the question, "I just thought you might like some time off." 

He looks at me skeptically. 

I stand up and start to gather my dishes. They're still full but I'm no longer hungry. 

"Take back that twelve hours I stole from you." I mumble. I debated not saying it, but maybe it will make him leave me alone and all this go away. 

"Oh." He breaths out. 

Does he remember the bar? Did he see me storm out? Does he remember what he said? 

I walk to kitchen and throw my food away. Behind me Sebastian hisses, "Oh what a waste." I ignore him and start washing the dishes, taking my slow time. 

I glance out of the corner of my eye and he is leaning up against the door, watching me. Why does he insist on solving problems? Once I finish I turn to him, wiping my hands with a washcloth. 

"Jim I don't care, of course I was mad at first," 

Ha, he was more than mad.

He must have been able to read my face, damn. I've really let my guard down around him. 

"Ok I was pissed. But I know it wasn't your fault, you can't know everyone's moves all the time. But he came eventually and I got him, so at the end of the day that's all that really matters." 

If only forgiving was really that easy.

"You don't need to apologize." I state, turning away to put the dishes into the dishwasher. 

"I know but I am. I think it's sweet that you were guilty." I stop. My blood and heart stills. 

Slowly I glance over at him, and he is wearing a smug smile. Fury whips down my spine and I clench my teeth so hard my temples let out pangs of protest. 

If only this were all that easy. If only guilt had been what was driving me insane. 

Every bone in my body screams at me to throw something, to yell. But that's the old me. I hold everything in now. I can't throw a tantrum. I can't be a child. I breathe some of the fury out, but most of it sticks in my lungs and throat. 

I ignore him, going back to sorting the dishes in the dishwasher. The smug smile is wiped from his lips. 

He walks over, setting his empty mug on the kitchen table beside the sink. "Seriously what's wrong?" He stands directly above me. 

I slam the dishwasher shut and stand up. The glasses bang and Sebastian cringes. 

"Nothing." I try to push past him but he catches me by the arm and pushes me against the sink. "Let go of me." I snarl. 

"James." He raises his voice. 

"It's none of your business!" I raise mine, making it louder than his. 

"I just want to know because I-" I swing my arm and it smacks his mug off the counter. It drops to the floor, shattering. 

Shit. 

I hiss in a breath. That was his favorite mug. The only mug he uses really. 

He glares at me, and from the heat of it I really can't help but shrink back. Before I can utter a word his is yelling, "Really Jim what the fuck?!" He takes a breath, "Just, God, just go to bed." 

He breaks away from me, rubbing a hand to his forehead. 

"Go to bed?" I utter it so quietly that it shocks me. 

"Yeah you look like shit, your eyes are red. Just get some sleep and do yourself some good for once." He walks away, probably to go get the broom from the garage. 

I sigh, surveying the damage. It's not as bad as it could be. Maybe I can glue the mug back together. I bend down and start to pick up the shards of glass. 

Suddenly I am being heaved off the ground. "No." Sebastian growls and I drop the glass. He inspects my hands then pushes me out the kitchen door, "Go to bed." The kitchen door slams shut and I cluelessly look back at it. 

If only that was the reason my eyes were red, because of lack of sleep. As I walk back to my room I let out a high pitched laugh at the thought. Then I stop and sorrow lies on my tongue where the humor once was. 

If only I could sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

All the way back in the bathroom cabinet are sleeping pills. After a lot of digging, I found them. 

Sebastian must have hidden them. 

He should've known better. He should've thrown them away. 

I take the prescribed amount with tap water from the bathroom sink. I hate swallowing pills but I need to sleep. I don't even want to sleep, but if I don't soon I'll end up doing more damage to the plan. 

The plan to get Sebastian to stay, that is. 

I put the pills back where I found them and walk back to my room. I lie down and hope that the pills work. 

The minute my eyes slip shut, I'm out. 

\------

I wake up and turn to my laptop to check the time. I hit the mouse pad but my laptop is out of batteries. Great. I turn to my bedside and turn on my phone. It's 6:31pm. I sigh and throw my phone down. It clunks onto the wooden table and I sink into my pillow. A soft smile cracks my lips apart. 

The pills worked. 

I don't even remember what I dreamed about.

I hook my laptop to the charger and go to get dinner. I'm actually hungry too. 

I wipe the sleep out of my eyes and head to the kitchen. I stand on my tiptoes, reaching for the soup. 

Of course tall Sebastian had to put the soup on the highest shelf. 

"I got it." Sebastian reaches from behind me, pressing me into the counter, and grabs the soup can. My insides flinch. Where did he come from and when did he get so quiet? 

He smirks and passes it to me. "I swear you do this on purpose." I grumble and glare at him. It does nothing to faze him, instead making his smirk expand into a grin. 

He walks away and I exhale roughly. My lips twitch into a small smile. 

I turn on the stove and grab a pan. I heat the soup, and through the reflection I can see my smile. 

Maybe everything is going to be alright. Maybe he's not going to leave me. 

The plan is working. 

Of course it is, though, my plans always work. I'm Jim Moriarty, a criminal mastermind.

\------

I give up on sleep immediately and start to work. I've been slacking lately. 

Around two in the morning I begin to crave mint ice cream. I'm really not sure why, but all I know is that I want mint ice cream. 

I get up and out of habit start to head towards Sebastian's room. When I'm halfway there I stop. No I can't ask him to get if for me, I have to do it myself. 

I scowl, starting to question if the mint ice cream is worth venturing out into the freezing cold and going to a grocery store. 

It's worth it. 

I throw on a pair of trousers and zip on a jacket. I throw money in my pocket and grab my phone. I glance at the percentage, 72%, yep that's enough. 

By the front door I slip on my shoes, bracing myself against the door frame. I'll be back way before Sebby wakes up, he won't even have to know. I smile and unlock the door, slowly pulling it open. 

Loud beeping noises screech throughout the house. I jump. Fuck I forgot about the alarm! I run to the keypad, and flip it open. The alarm continues to scream and I wince. Shit, what's the password? 

Sebastian comes running out, riffle hoisted in his arms and aimed at me. His posture screams defensive. I look him up and down; he is only in his boxers. 

I smile wickedly, but then stop myself. Sebastian wouldn't like that, right?

Once he sees it is me his shoulders relax. "Fuck Jim." He voice sounds like it has been raked over warm coals. He struts over and punches in the security code. I watch his fingers, 0623. Oh, my birthday. 

The alarm halts but I can still hear it in my mind. 

"What are you doing?" He sighs and I blink at him, "I was just going to get mint ice cream." 

He frowns and looks at me curiously, "Wait, you are going to get it yourself?" 

I scoff, "Yes of course." 

His frown grows larger. "You shouldn't be going out alone at two thirty in the morning." 

Out of all the things he was going to say, that was the last thing I expected. 

"What?" I seethe, "You have gone out at this time alone plenty of times, you've gone out even later than this." Earlier, I immediately correct myself, but I'm not about to tell him that I made a mistake. 

He deadpans, "I'm a sniper." 

I stare at him blankly back, making sure my expression screams unimpressed. 

"I hunt too." He states. 

"I'm a criminal mastermind." I shoot back. 

He sighs, "But you won't carry a gun because it's dirty work." 

I glare back, "Whatever I just thought that I'd do it myself so that I don't bother you." I stop, realizing what I've just said. 

He stares back at me, eyes wide in shock. 

"Jim what-" He starts, but I interrupt by opening the front door and slamming it shut. 

I look at my phone, wait ten minutes, then head back inside. 

I don't want mint ice cream anymore anyways. 

\-------

This time I remember the alarm. I set the code before slipping out the front door. 

All day today I've avoided Sebastian. I left a job for him on the table this morning and haven't seen him all day. I sat in my room and worked. I'm not sure what he's thinking right now, I'm lost. 

The cold air smacks me in the face and I wrap my coat tighter around me. 

The craving for mint ice cream has returned. 

I glance down at my phone, it's 3:13am. The dark London sky shines down on me, as I walk there is the occasional street post. I exhale, watching my breath dance in front of me until it fades into the atmosphere. 

I know that I could've taken a car, but I wanted to walk. I want to prove Sebastian wrong, that I can do what he once had to do just as easily. I don't think he walked, but walking makes it all the more dangerous. 

I laugh at the thought. No ones out at three in the morning.

The first store I come across is closed. I growl and put my hands into fists and slip them into my pockets. 

I have been walking for so long now. I consider turning around but ahead is a grocery store, and the lights are on. I walk quicker, relief warming my insides. 

Once I'm inside I quickly go to the frozen isle and grab a pint of mint ice cream. I pass the self checkout, I'm not going to bother with that, and go to the one cashier. He looks at me oddly, but checks me out regardless. 

"Long night?" He cheekily asks and I groan. He frowns back at me. People and their attempts at small talk. His question physically hurt me. 

Once he rings me up I throw him my money and tell him to keep the change. I can't stand to be in that idiots proximity anymore. 

I don't know how Sebastian does it. 

\--------

As I'm walking home I hear footsteps behind me. Grabbing my phone, I quickly mute it and throw it into my pants. If I'm about to be mugged I am not about to have my phone be taken. There's too much information on it. 

Of course, my suspicions are right. I am thrown against a brick wall and hands are up my back. I glance down and there's more than one pair of feet behind me. Shit. 

Suddenly I wish I had brought a gun with me. 

"Give us your money." The man growls and turns me around. My back slams into the brick wall, rattling my skull. 

"I don't have any." I state. 

Of course the imbeciles don't believe me. Once they realize that I was not lying however, they resort to violence. 

I try to get away, but honestly I was never the best fighter. After all I always have , or I guess had, Sebastian to fight my battles. 

But I guess now that he will be leaving, I'll have to start fighting my own. 

I always win clients with words. But with gangs it's a different story. 

I lay there on the cement floor with blood seeping out of my side. One of the bastards had a knife. They kicked my stomach and legs, and punched me in the face. 

Reminds me of when I was in school. It also reminds me of my old home.

My cheek is freezing, with being pushed down against the frigid cement and all. I slowly sit up, digging my phone out of my pocket. 4:37am. 

With the pain in my side, I know there is no way I can make it the rest of the way home. 

I sigh, going into contacts and dialing Sebastian's number. If he was even considering staying, he's defiantly leaving now. 

On the fourth ring, he answers. "Hello?" His voice is gruff, and I hate how hearing it immediately calms me and fills me with warmth. 

"H-hey tiger." My teeth start to chatter and I take a shaky breath. 

"What the-" There's rusting and then his voice sounds clearer and much more alert, "Jim what's going on?"

I sigh, "I need you to come and get me." 

There's more rusting, and then I hear the jingling of his car keys. "Where are you? Are you hurt? Oh my God." I hear the front door shut. "Jim?" He asks. 

"Yeah I'm here." I run my hand at my forehead, a headache is forming. 

"Where are you?" He repeats. 

"Near the gas station, when you take a right coming out of our house. Just keep going straight. I'm on the right side on the side walk, and I'm near an alley." I hiss, and refuse the urge to clutch my side. 

"Alright hang on I'm coming." I hear his engine roar to life and his tires screech as he takes off.

"I don't really have a choice." I joke but he doesn't laugh. 

"God Jim. God. Man." He mumbles. 

I sigh, "Take it easy tiger."

He lets out a bitter laugh, "Take it easy? Really? How bad are you?"

"I'm fine." I state.

"No you're not I can hear the pain in your voice." I can hear his frown. 

I frown myself, I thought I was doing well hiding it. 

Tense silence taints the air between us. 

"Jim?" He asks sometime later.

"Still here." I mumble, this time knowing pain has seeped into my voice.

"Let me know when I'm close ok?" His voice is softer. Soft like a blanket that I want to cuddle and sleep under. 

"Mmhmm." I mumble, and my eyes slip closed. 

"Hey come on Jim stay with me I'm almost there."

I laugh, "How would you know you just asked me to let you know." I giggle and he sighs.

"Come on Jim."

Soon I see headlights and I call out, "Here."

His car comes screeching to a halt, and the line clicks off. I stare at my phone, frowning. He hung up. He didn't even say goodbye. 

He races over, and carefully picks me up. I giggle "Oh tiger." He huffs and opens the passenger side. My world shifts and I feel woozy. 

He carefully sets me down and hooks the seatbelt over me. The world around him looks fuzzy, but he looks so clear. A smile slips across my face and I look up at him. Our eyes meet and he huffs out a laugh, "Man you're out of it. I'm guessing you didn't sleep last night." He gets up and shuts the door. Slowly I reach up to grab him but it's too late, he's already gone. 

Panic settles in, temporarily clearing my hazy vision. The car door opens and as he climbs in I grip his hand. He looks at me, eyes filling with confusion. "I thought you left me." My words come out slurred. He frowns at me, gripping my hand back and squeezing it. He starts the car and zooms off, making a sharp u-turn and hurrying home. 

His hand stays connected to mine, fingers running over my pulse. "Never Jim. Now come on you've gotta stay awake." At that I fight to keep my eyelids open. 

The darkness is approaching so quickly and it's calling my name. It looks so warm and inviting. 

Sebastian squeezes my hand again. "Come on Jim, stay awake for me please." 

But his voice is warmer. 

His hand squeezes mine again, and that's much more inviting. 

"Come on Jim." His voice is much more softer. 

And he's calling my name.


	7. Chapter 7

I snuggle deeper into the warmth surrounding me, breathing deeply out of my nose. An aroma of cigarettes, beer, cheap shampoo, and expensive cologne invade my senses when I breath in. A loose smile tangs my lips, and I snuggle deeper into where it is coming from. Softness engulfs me, and I sigh out, basking in the warmth. 

I have never felt so at peace. 

No this can't be right, where am I? 

My eyes flash open, and am met with a deep forest green. I yawn, trying to bring my hand up but something is trapping them. I glance down and I am drowning in a sea of the blue covers. I remove my hand, immediately missing the warmth, and wipe the sleep out of my eyes. I yawn again and deep rumbling emits from above me, shaking the green in front of me. 

Slowly I glance up and sky blue eyes twinkling with amusement pierce through me. 

I jolt, "Christ." I mumble and my heart wakes up and kicks up to full alert. 

"Good morning. Sleep well?" His lips slip into a smirk, flashing his sharp white teeth. They glisten and mock me, so predatory and dangerous. Yet I want to.. 

I cut that thought off immediately. 

Quickly I get up, but he moves his legs so I almost fall off the couch. I clutch his disgusting green shirt for an anchor and his hand is immediately there, gripping my back. 

I glare up at him, knowing that he did that on purpose. All I receive back is an innocent smile. 

"Bastard." I hiss. 

His eyes widen in mock hurt, but the smile breaking his lips apart ruins the effect. "Hey I just saved your life." 

Images from last night come crashing in, and my hand flies to my side. With my fingers I trace the stitch work. They start from my rib and end at my hip. I wince and pull my shirt up, inspecting and tracing it with my eyes this time. His tan hand smacks my pale one away. "No touching." All traces of amusement are wiped from his face. 

"What happened last night?" It slips out before I have the chance to stop it.

Honestly I don't want to know, I have enough going on right now. 

I remember the mugging of course, but after that it is all a blur. I know I called Sebastian and he came, and I'm sure I remember him wiping all the blood. 

There was so much blood. 

It was thickly coated on my side. I wanted to touch it but he stopped me. I wanted to feel the warmth, my hands were so cold. 

I remember the bitterness that sat on my tongue and ran along the inside of my nostrils. I felt like I swallowed a penny. I think he gave me water.

"Well you were mugged, because you decided it would be a great idea to walk for miles down one of the most dangerous parts of London at three in the morning without any type of protection instead of driv-" 

I wave my hand and sit up straighter, "Yes yes I remember that, I mean after that." I glance awkwardly behind me, wanting to get up, but his hand on my back tightens. 

Guess we are talking now then. 

He glares at me, "Well after picking you up, literally, I washed your side and gave you water because you wouldn't stop whining for that. Then you kept trying to touch your wound. Once I finally got you to stay still by physically holding you down, I got the cut stitched. I was going to carry you to bed, but you yelled at me that you wanted to be on the couch. When I tried to put you down you clung to me, screaming at me not to leave you. Once I calmed you down, you promptly fell into my lap and was instantly asleep. I had to rearrange you so that you wouldn't rip your stitches." 

Shit. 

I look down, then look past his shoulder. I can feel his gaze burning across my face. The heat is burning, racing down my neck and boiling in my ears. 

On the wall behind him is a cracked mirror, and through it I see my face. It is bright red. I cringe and furry intensifies the flame inside of me. 

I used to be so in control of my emotions around him. But now.. 

What am I supposed to say? I'm sorry? What will that fix? 

"God Jim." He groans and removes his hand that was on my back, bringing it up to his forehead and rubbing it. Then he rakes that hand through his sandy locks, closing his eyes. He exhales roughly then opens his eyes. I watch his pupils dilate slightly. 

"I mean what were you thinking? Were you even thinking at all?" 

I blink. Then blink again. I stare directly into his eyes, but there are no glistens of amusement. They are dark with anger. I replay what he just said in my head, and gape slightly at him. He's scolding me. 

"You're lucky I answered the phone, you're lucky I got up. What would you have done then, huh? God you would've died." 

This is all so foreign to me. I've never been scolded before. Frankly my dad never cared about me, but the feeling was mutual. 

"Jim Moriarty, great criminal mastermind, would've died by bleeding out beside an alley way. Defeated by street muggers." 

Is he still going? 

"That's how you would've gone out." 

Yep. 

"God are you even listening to me?" He grips me by the shoulders and shakes me roughly. I jostle in his arms, teeth clattering together. 

"Do you know how serious this is?" He growls out and the flame is back, roaring and expanding inside of me. My bones are on fire and I can feel smoke wavering off of me. 

He has no right to yell at me. I glare at him and fight his grip. 

He lets go out of no where. 

He glares down at me and I start to fall backwards. His eyes widen and he grips my back again, pulling me close. "Shit careful Jim." 

Careful? After everything he's done and just said? 

After he's already let me go. 

"What?!" It roars out of me before I can help myself. The flames tickle my tongue, leaving it burnt. 

He blinks down at me, expression calming before it quickly starts to turn dark. 

Who does he think he is? Scolding me when he has no place to? Sounding like..

For a minute I dared to think that he cared about me. But no, this was just an inconvenience to him. 

I made him get up. I woke him up again. I made him tend to me, all while I complained like a child. 

The words from that haunting night bellow in my brain. 

No. This was just another thing that he can add to his list. 

This was just another thing that he hates about me. 

Cold water splashes on my heart, the source of the fire, and quickly drowns my veins. It builds up inside of me, filling me with cold biting panic. My vision becomes hazy and unclear, and the air becomes so much colder. 

But then, everything clears. The panic, the fogginess, the chill; it all fades away. The water leaks out of me, leaving me feeling empty. 

Defeat. 

I realize suddenly that there is nothing that I can do to make him stay. No matter how much I try to change, he will leave. 

I've lost. 

I've lost my sniper, my companion. I've lost the only person who I have ever dared to care about. 

I've lost the only person that I have ever loved. Loved. I have never loved anybody before. 

There's nothing left for me to do, I have to let him go. 

The thought makes me a tad bit angry. 

Ok it makes me furious. 

It makes me desperate and afraid, two things that I hate but have never really learned how to control. I don't want to let him go, I want to tie him up and force him to stay with me forever. But that would only make him hate me more than he already does... and he wouldn't be happy. He'd be happier without me. Maybe he can go and find someone else. 

Someone else. Another man, or maybe even a girl. Someone nice, ordinary, and normal. Not a psychopath, freak, and prick. Someone who is mature, who is stable. Someone better than me. 

The thought of someone else touching him makes me want to vomit. I can taste the bile raising in my throat. Anyone who dares to touch him I want dead. I'd want to kill them myself. Grip their throat and watch the life bleed out of their eyes. Their desperation to breath, the claw marks that they would leave on the insides of my wrists. That helpless look that they would get in their eyes. I'd yell and spit in their face. Cursing them for daring to touch someone who belongs to..  
Well he doesn't belong to me anymore.

I breath in, and then out. 

If that's what will make him happy... Then I guess that I have to do it. 

"Jim?" He sounds cautious, as if trying to avoid stepping on glass. I blink and realize that I am clutching his shoulder so hard my knuckles have turned white. 

I abruptly stand and wipe all the emotions from my face. I walk towards the door, and then stand beside it. 

"Go." I mumble, staring down at the carpet. 

"Sorry, what?" His eyebrow quirks. 

"Go." This time I stare directly at him. The tone of my voice shocks me. I sound so cool and collective. I sound calm. 

No, I sound void. 

Sebastian eyebrows crinkle, then raise as his eyes widen. "Wait what?" Then he frowns, straightening up, "Jim I'm sorry I didn't mean to," he pauses struggling, "I was just, scared," 

The lies hurt, but the hope rising in my chest is even more painful. I crush it down, letting anger burn it away. 

Then I make the mistake of meeting his blue eyes. Electricity shoots up my spine, electrocuting my heart. 

Memories flood back into my mind of all the times I've seen his piercing blue eyes. Out on missions, the intensity behind them when he aims for his target. When in meetings, and he gets that spark of defensiveness over my safety. At home, the calmness in them when he lounges on the sofa drinking beer. In the morning light, actively focused on scanning the newspaper. 

Then of the dreams I've had. Dreams that I still ponder if they should be called nightmares because of the false hope tainted within them. After we've kissed, and I pull away and stare up at him, my arms wrapped around his neck, and his tightly around my waist. Times of lying in bed together, when we would just lie there silently staring at each other. Then his eyes would grow darker, filled with lust and he'd climb on top of me. I'd place my hands in his blonde hair, pulling, and he'd lower himself down and capture my lips in a long kiss. Then he'd pull back and...

Wounding my hands in my hair, I begin to shake my head. I force the snippets of dreams that will never happen to fade away. The memories of what will never happen again. "Go!" I scream, my voice horse. 

"Wha-" He starts to say but I yell over what ever he is about to say, "You're fired!" 

The silence hangs and we both stare at each other, chests heaving. His eyes widen again, before narrowing. They darken with lividness. 

"Why, so that you can kill me? If you're going to kill me, I want you to be the one to do it."

Slowly lowering my hands, I blankly stare at him. He walks over to me, removing a small handgun from his back pocket. He opens my clenched fist and sets the gun in there, maneuvering it to turn the safety off. He takes my fingers and twists them to tighten my grip on the gun. Then he kneels in front of me, taking my hands in his. He moves the gun so that it is pointed at his temple, and then lowers his arms and sits there. 

Blood flows out of my face, leaving my cheeks cold. It plummets to my heart, rapidly filling it to the point that I feel like my heart going to explode. My chest is trembling. It's too much. 

Frustration bubbles up inside of me. This isn't how it was supposed to go. He was supposed to leave, and I was going to call someone to come and remove his things. Then I would bury myself in work, and try to forget everything. 

I throw his gun at the wall and shove him. He doesn't even shift.

"No. Sebastian leave, that's an order, you're fired." 

I try to build my walls back up again, and toughen up my face. Sebastian needs to leave, and he needs to go now before I change my mind.

"But that's what happens when you fire someone, they die."

I shake my head, and stare at the wall behind him. "No not this time." 

I can practically hear the smile splitting across his face. "Why, because I'm special?" 

The statement pierces my heart. 

I ball my hands up in fists, holding back the strong urge to punch him. I speak through clenched teeth, "Get out." 

He frowns, he must have been able to read the anger seething off of me. Good. Hopefully he will be smart and leave. 

He slowly walks towards me, and I began to walk backwards and yelled, "NO! LEAVE!" 

Sebastian stands in front of me, frowning. We stand there for awhile, staring at each other. I glare at him with all the anger I can muster but he continues to frown, it is almost a pitiful frown. I squint at it, studying it, and suddenly I begin to grow angrier. It is pity. 

"Why are you telling me to leave when you clearly don't want me to? What has been up with you lately? You haven't been yourself, and you've been pushing me away." 

I scoff, "You don't want what I want. You don't know anything." 

His frown stays there, stained on his face. "Then tell me what I don't know. I'm not a mind reader like you, but I know you. I know how to read you. You say that you don't want me to go, your face might reflect that, but I can see it in your eyes. On the surface they look blank, but when I look deeper into them I can see everything. No, Jim you don't want me to go, that is the last thing you want. Just tell me the truth." 

He is beginning to grow desperate. I decide to take a different approach this time. I force out a laugh, making sure it comes out high pitch and crazy, "That's adorable," I sing this part, "but completely wrong." I giggle, turning around and waving my hand in the air. "Spare yourself the embarrassment, Tiger. Leave." 

Never in my life have I had this much of a hard time convincing somebody to leave. This past week I was driven insane by the thought of Sebastian leaving, and doing everything in my power to get him to stay. Now when I am finally letting him go, and telling him to leave, he is refusing to go. No matter how hard I push he is staying. No one has ever stayed, everyone always leaves.

"Jim! Stop this stupid act of yours." Now he is pissed. He has that commanding army tone he gets when he is enraged.

But I am not listening, everything sounds mumbled. I can't see, everything is blurry and out of focus. What's going on? My eyes feel heavy, and my hands are shaking. My nose burns, and my head and heart are pounding. What's happening to me, what's wrong with me? 

Suddenly there is a strong grip on my right shoulder, twisting and forcing me to turn around. 

His eyes widen at the sight of me, and at that moment I know that I let my guard down. I feel moisture leaking down my cheeks, and gasp, but it comes out as a choked noise. I am crying. I'm Jim Morarity, I don't cry. The last time I cried was long ago, when I was a teenager. 

Why won't he just leave? 

I don't want to do this anymore. I hate feeling false hope. I hate having him around, knowing that he hates me. I thought he was different. I had dared to hope that maybe he liked me. I considered us friends, not that I ever told him that. I just thought that it went unsaid between us. 

Finally I started to believe that someone to love me came along. I feel invincible with him. Being with him, I thought that it proved everyone wrong. I thought that it showed that I was capable of being loved. 

I was foolish to think that. 

I always thought that people who told me stuff like that was wrong. The people who told me that I would never be loved, the people who said that I will never amount to anything. I always thought that I was powerful. 

Sure, I have a criminal empire. I have a lot of money, and an endless amount of suits. 

But what was I without a live-in one? The proof that showed everyone that they were wrong. 

He is leaving now. 

Everyone who said that all was right. 

He is leaving. 

I'll become empty again, just like I was before. Bored and lonely. A shell of nothing. That heaviness in my chest that never faded away will return. I'll be out of control of my emotions. No one will be there to ground me again. Will I ever sleep? 

Am I strong enough to face that all again? 

The lump in my throat grows and I try to swallow it down, but it won't budge. 

Two arms wrap around me, and I am pulled into Sebastian's chest. I try to shove him away but he tightens his grip, successfully trapping me. Every time I exhale it comes out as embarrassing chocking sounds, and no matter how hard I try to stop them the tears continue to stream down my face. My whole body is shaking. I am out of control of what is going on, and honestly, I would never admit it out loud, but I am terrified. I'm sure Sebastian knows that though. His hand rubs soothing circles into my back, and he rests his chin on my head. 

"Shhh, it's ok. I'm here, and I'm not leaving." 

I shake my head, and try to break free again. He lowers his head and rests it onto my shoulder. His mouth is directly in front of my ear, causing his warm breath to blow into it, making my spine tickle. 

"Shh." 

I give up fighting and lie with my head on his chest. Soon the sobs subside, and I stand there. It is warm and comfortable, and I want to stay here forever. But I know that I can't. Sebastian pities me, he doesn't really love me or care, he just feels bad. He needs to go, and I know the only way he will go is if I am honest with him. 

"Sebastian, I know what's going on." I pull away from him, staring at the huge wet spot I created on his green shirt. I stare at it, and if I stare long enough I can see a snippet of his muscular chest. 

"You don't care about me, you're annoyed of me. You said that you'd rather quit and be dead than be with me. Stop worrying about the consequences and go. I won't have anyone after you, you'll be safe. You staying is just..." 

I don't want to tell him the full truth. How much I really love him, and how broken I will be when he leaves. I break away from him, and straighten my posture. I put myself into my relaxed care free mode, and know that I have to end this once and for all. 

"Making it worse for yourself. I don't care if you leave, I'm shocked you made it this far. I've never had a live in one, it was nice for awhile. But quite frankly, I often found myself irritated to. I mean, were you raised in a barn? You drink from the milk carton, which taints it for me, you don't clean your room, and the presence of a mess annoys me to where I just have to go clean it, and you don't clean after yourself anywhere else. Yes having you gone, I'll be just fine. More then fine. Go on Sebby, enjoy the sunshine." 

I flash him a smile, and begin to walk away. Then I stop for dramatic effect, and turn my upper body around, "Oh and Sebastian, if you want your stuff you'd best go pack it now. If you leave without it, I'll burn it." I let my smile grow wider, "I'll burn it all." 

I begin to walk away, proud of myself. Job done, I just have to hold myself together until he leaves.

"No." 

Of course. 

"What?" I snarl, whipping around.

"You might've fired me, but I'm still living in this flat."

I roll my eyes, "Then I'm kicking you out." 

This time Sebastian rolls his eyes, and goes into the kitchen. I stand there blinking, out of all the things I expected him to do, this was not one of them. I hear the door to the fridge being ripped open, and he returns popping open a bottle of beer. Ah, of course, I really should've seen that coming. 

"Ok Jim, I got alcohol because I know this is bound to get more sentimental then it was earlier. Now the first thing I'm going to say is, where did you hear that from?" 

I smile, feigning innocence, "Whatever do you mean Sebby dea-"

"Don't play stupid with me. Answer the question."

I frown, then sigh dramatically and roll my eyes, "At the bar when you were with your hunting friends," I sneer out the word friends. What made them better than me? How were they chosen to be friends of his? They were all idiots. "who I killed by the way. All of them." I madly grin. 

Sebastian rolls his eyes again, rude I should teach him how to be more- no wait he's leaving it doesn't matter anymore. 

"Of course you did. Why were you there?" He pins me with skepticism and I blanch. Then I shrug, "That doesn't matter, point is I was there." 

He sighs, "Look Jim, I don't even remember what I said. I was drunk," 

I sarcastically laugh, "Ha that's an understatement." 

He glowers, "Then you should've known better to take what I was saying seriously. And after the long day I had, I was pissed. I sat on the roof top all day because the victims were late. Twelve hours Jim. Twelve fucking hours. And when people get upset they say things they don't mean. Yes I was mad at you, at the time. And it didn't help that when I came home you were Morarity."

My eyebrows crinkled in confusion, of course I'm Morarity, aren't I always? He catches onto my confusion and explains, 

"Morarity as in the crazed physcopath. The one who is a criminal mastermind and only sees me as another chest piece to use to get to the top."

I frown, "Yes, that's who I am. Well, except for the chest piece part, you are much more than a chest piece to me you're-" 

And then I stop, and my eyes widened. My mouth slams shut, and I can hear my teeth click together. Sebastian gapes then smiles smugly, cocky bastard, but he continues.

"But regardless to what I said, I like you Jim, who you are when you are yourself. The you who isn't in the public eye and is behind the curtains. Who likes to make fun of crap telly with me and yell at me for eating greasy take out on the couch. Who likes to blast his music way too loud, to the point where it is vibrating my skull. Jim, who likes to run around and do insane things, like go to carnivals or take a random trips to random places because he feels like it. Jim who bakes random ass things that are delicious and wears an apron because you don't want to make a mess, but allows me to put flour on your nose. You pretend to be irritated, but I know you aren't because you keep it on for the rest of the day. Jim who isn't afraid to snuggle with me, and come to me when he needs me, where did that Jim go? Now I don't know who you are. You're not Morarity, or Jim." 

The burning sensation comes back, this time in both my nose and the back of my eyes. I blink, ugh sentiment. 

"Gosh Sebastian, did you get that off of a cliche romance movie? So sentimental." 

I choke up at the end, the lump in my throat is back. 

He looks back at me, unimpressed. He sighs, taking a large gulp of beer. I watch his Adam Apple bob and feel my heart flutter. I swallow harshly and almost choke. His eyes rake over me, amusement now in the depths of them, and I glance away, focusing on the white wall again. 

"At the bar, you complained about most of those things. The loud music, my need for being around you all the time and always being up in your space, and dragging you around like acting like a little kid-"

The lump in my throat swells, and this time tears fill up the rim of my eyes. I blink and forced them away. I am not going to cry again, no way. 

Man why do I care so much about what he thinks or how he feels? 

"So I changed myself. But it only seemed to make things worse somehow. Whatever it was inevitable, you're leaving and that's fine."

The silence stretches on. Sebastian stares at his beer, jiggling it around, as if debating to take another gulp. He lifts the beer bottle and takes a large chug. Is he expecting me to say more? Or is he gathering the courage to say something? I can't take the silence anymore, or him just standing here, if he isn't going to leave, then I will. 

The place is getting dull to look at anyways. 

And it's crawling in memories of him. 

"You need to go, because you aren't happy. If you aren't going to go, then I am."

He growls, "Jim stop and just," he sighs, "give me a minute." 

He pauses before continuing, "Jim of course you changing made things worse. I like you and if I didn't I would have left long ago. I am happy just being here with you. Sure you annoy me at times, but most of that stuff, I love you for it and I've accepted it." Then he stops and everything stops. 

No way. I had to have heard him wrong. He didn't mean it, it was probably just the slip of the tongue. 

He frowns at me, then his eyes glint with determination, "That's right Jim, l love you. Living with some of that annoying stuff is worth it, and I don't want you to change. I love you just the way you are. God I hate to say that because it sounds so cliche, but honestly it's true. Leaving wouldn't make me happy. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. You gave me the thrill of the hunt again. If I left, I'd be just like I was before. A lonely guy who sits around and drinks all day." 

I scoff at him, "You're not being serious." 

Sebastian gapes, "Yes I am! And I'll keep saying it until you believe me. Jim I love you. I love Jim Moriarty. Sebastian Moran loves James Moriar-" 

I throw my hands over my ears. How cruel. But through my hands I can still hear his declarations. 

"JUST GO!" I bellow, and that successfully cuts him off. 

I rip open the door, but as I start to turn back Sebastian's arm shoots besides my head and the door bangs shut. My hand is still on the door handle, and I go flying with the door. Sebastian grabs me by my waist and turns me around. My back slams into the door, and before I can process what is happening his lips are on mine. 

The kiss is not calm. Instead it is wild and chaotic. His tongue forces my lips apart, and our teeth clash together. The electricity is nothing compared to what I was feeling before. The hairs on the back of my neck stand, and I moan. He tangles his fingers in my hair, and his blunt nails scrape against my scalp. Another moan is torn from my chest. The urge to breath grows more and more, my lungs are screaming and withering. 

It's rough, and I love it. 

We break apart and my hands are wound tightly around his neck. I can feel his pulse thrumming. Our chests heave, and the air between us is even hotter because of our panting.

He shoots down, and our teeth clang again. The kiss is shorter this time. 

Instead of pulling back, he puts his mouth up against my ear, growling, "Jim I am not going anywhere. Not now and not ever. The only way to make me leave is to put a gun to my head and shoot. I love you." He stares directly into my eyes, and a fierceness lies in them that I have never seen before. 

Sebastian smiles crookedly and wipes my face. I didn't realize that I was crying again. I gape, and my exhale is shaky. I've never cried like this before. My heart feels free and uncaged, it doesn't feel confined anymore. My brain doesn't feel so much in control anymore, and for once I don't mind that. 

I do something that I haven't done in years. Something that I'm not sure if I've ever really done. 

I let my instincts take charge. 

I stand on my tiptoes, and drag him down by my hands that are around his neck. I close my eyes and enjoy the new feeling that courses through my veins. Relief. As we kiss I feel more moisture leaking down my face. 

Once we break away I smile. The smile cuts into my cheeks and spreads joy through my system. Or I am guessing it is joy. It's warm and makes my heart feel like she can stand up herself for once. That something is no longer trapping her there. 

"I love you too." I laugh, and for once I don't feel like I have to force it. He starts to laugh too, eyes watering, and the sight fills me with even more warmth. 

He is never going to leave me. Not with that look that he has in his eyes. Something that I always saw but was never able to place until I saw it in such fierceness today. I didn't know because it was something that has never been directed towards me before. 

Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope that you enjoyed it :)


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